Social anxiety

  • What is the sister wound and why we need to heal it in midwifery.

    Midwifery at it’s core is about relationships. Deep heart felt connections with others (often woman to woman but not exclusively).  Supporting, caring, holding space, witnessing and being a companion and guide throughout the unfolding perinatal period. To meet those taking that journey where they are at and helping them to navigate it with kindness and compassion. To also stand along side others called to this sacred work and be able to extent that same support, compassion and safe space holding to our colleagues and peers. 

    When I was called to midwifery THIS is what drew me in and I know many of you will be able to relate to this.  Unfortunately so many of us feel deeply unsatisfied with midwifery at the moment for lots of different reasons but what I’d like to share is my understanding of one element that is playing out and how we can recognise it and challenge it to move forward. 

    From the beginning of time, women have instinctively ran in packs. Creating informal support groups, to laugh, cry, cook, care for each other during birth and with raising their families, grieve, rejoice, and commune and this can be seen across all cultures. 

    Then patriarchy and the burning times happened and a woman had two choices — submit to the ways of the “new” world and betray her sisters OR become an “outcast” and risk harm or even death. This divide between women was precisely the point for patriarchy. The more divided women became, the less power they had together…and believe me we are POWERFUL- they knew this and it scared them.  So then if we are busy fighting amongst ourselves and turning on each other then we are not fighting against the patriarchy and challenging their agenda.

    The Sister Wound is the manifestation of women living in a patriarchal society who have had to use unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive. Unfortunately so many midwives are practising a very matriarchal art (midwifery) through the framework of a very patriarchal system which leaves so many of us feeling conflicted, frustrated and unfulfilled. It’s not natural and we feel it.

    Have you ever been hurt by another woman? Felt betrayed and rejected? Have you ever had side-eye and catty cackles directed at you by a group of other woman? Have you ever been side lined, belittled, competed with and not supported by other women? 

    That’s the sister wound playing out!

    It also shows up like lack of trust, insecurity and feeling anxious and unsafe amongst other women, particularly in groups. Feeling jealous or like you just can’t compete with the ‘shine’ of other women are also common. 

    Midwives turn on each other, on the students, on other colleagues and even on the women they are caring for sometimes, all out of fear and self preservation and this is the sister wound being activated time and time again.

    So that essence of fulfilling midwifery practice and that true feeling of connected sisterhood is lost. We don’t feel safe showing up as our true self. We hide away, play small and our roar becomes a whisper. Our power stays lost.

    It’s not our fault that we have ended up here but we are all responsible for what happens from here on in. To start to turn the tide we need to first be honest with ourselves and challenge the sister wound and how it shows up for us.

    Helping midwives and student midwives to be honest with themselves about some of the subconscious patterns they have been stuck in is a fundamental part of the work that I do as an emotional health coach. Helping them to challenge their beliefs and ways of thinking and behaving to be able able to show up authentically with healthy self expression without fear of judgement or rejection for who they really are. 

    I’ll be talking more about healing the sister wound and strategies for this in another blog as it’s a huge topic. I may create a workshop if people want to learn more about it…so watch this space!

    How have you seen the sister wound playing out in midwifery or even in yourself?

  • Self reflections and new directions

    I recently received my annual email from the Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC) inviting me to pay to retain my name on the midwifery register for a further 12 months (to practice as a midwife in the UK you have to pay an annual membership fee to the NMC and revalidate every 3 years to show your competence and ongoing professional development). I know when the yearly email or letter lands so many thoughts start to emerge… “Why should I have to pay to be a midwife?”, “What do I actually get for my money?”, “Do I even want to remain on the register?”, ‘Am I good enough to be a midwife?”, “Am I good enough to do anything else?” , “I feel trapped and powerless”.  These thought’s often lead to anger, frustration, anxiety, uncertainty and self doubt and in turn an influx of issues such as nausea, fatigue, headaches, poor appetite, insomnia, skin issues, menstrual issues, reflux and more! The last 18 months have been such a challenge for midwives all over the world and with September just a few weeks away (the start of a usually very busy time for maternity services), having to pay financially, emotionally and physically to stay part of an already exhausted and struggling workforce can seem like an insult. 

    Personally I’ve been taking an intentional break over the past few weeks to reflect and recharge after what has been a whirlwind year for me. I recognised I needed to practice what I preached – taking personal responsibility to look after myself – so I could prepare for continuing supporting the midwives who want that much deserved second chance to enjoy their career without sacrificing so much of themselves, but are struggling to see how. 

    It’s been 2 years since I trained as a 3 step rewind practitioner, the intimate training weekend with 2 phenomenal doulas and the fabulous Midwife Mark Harris which catapulted me head first into my own healing journey but looking back I wouldn’t have had it any other way! 12 months later I launched the Midwife Sparkle Method to help anxious and overwhelmed midwives to reclaim their sparkle through my 8 week 1:1 positive mindset and self empowerment coaching programme.  I’ve worked with dozens and dozens of students and qualified midwives from all over the world and it’s been the most tremendous journey so far but I know this is just the beginning…

    As I look towards the next 12 months and beyond I am looking forward to helping so many more courageous and heart centred midwives to own their power, speak their truth and take up space. To recognise their unique talents and gifts and own their successes and achievements. To find the confidence to sparkle in their own way and be the trail blazers to help start to shift the patriarchal and systemic toxic bullying culture. Putting self empowerment and encouragement of true individuality back at the heart of midwifery where they belong. 

    Are you in? I’ve just opened my diary for new clients to start with me 1:1 in September. Book a chat with me today!  

     

  • This is the Reality and it starts now!

    As you may know if you’ve been following me for a while I had a traumatic birth in 2017. This impacted me massively on a personal level but what a lot of people don’t know is how it impacted me on a professional level too. 

    I had been a qualified midwife for 3 years and had fully prepared for birth and motherhood (or so I thought) but what I had not prepared for was my return to work. I went back part time when Harrison was 10 months old. I returned to the community role I was doing before, so it was familiar and that was nice. What was not nice were the reminders of my experience almost EVERY DAY. 

    I imagine it’s similar to being a chef for a living…the last thing you want to do is cook when you get home in the evening. I had given birth at the hospital trust I worked for and I was caring for pregnant and new mums who were vulnerable and struggling with similar issues to me. I told myself it was normal and that the sleep depravation probably wasn’t helping. My instinct was to avoid all reminders of what happened to me but I couldn’t. I remember actually having a panic attack in the toilet on the labour ward the first time I had to go back there to collect something. I also remember visiting a new mum and listening to her talk about her birth experience and in that moment just wanting to sit and sob with her. I don’t know how I kept it together. 

    These expectant and new mums were looking to me to care for them and their baby, give them information and share my knowledge and ultimately reassure them that everything was going to be ok. Outwardly I was talking the talk and walking the walk (my background in performing arts served me well here!) but inwardly I was anxious and could not get away from the things which were triggering me the most. I felt like a fraud. 

    The reason I share this with you is because it highlights just how hard it can be to do a job like being a midwife, dealing with emotionally charged situations every day when there are personal things that you are still dealing with or underlying emotional health factors such as anxiety. It look me 18 months to realise that these feelings weren’t going away and to start to look at ways to help myself. My family and the women I cared for deserved better and I deserved better. 

    You see I have been on both sides of the same coin – the new mother trying to keep it all together and not show how much she is crumbling and the midwife trying to keep it all together and not show how much she is crumbling. 

    Pregnant and new mothers need support but so too do the midwives and birth workers. We care so deeply for others but who cares for us? 

    When things are constantly changing, our workload increasing in volume and complexity, trying our best but never feeling like it’s good enough, the mounting pressure over fear of missing something or making a mistake and even worse what people will think of us when it all comes crashing down and we burn out…. the guilt, the shame. 

    Never before has our passion, our calling put us under this amount of pressure. Midwives are leaving the profession at an unprecedented rate. We are in the middle of an epidemic, but the babies still keep coming. We keep showing up the best we can and giving so much of ourselves, even though we are struggling with our own emotions . Even though we feel we may be putting ourselves and our loved ones at risk by doing so. 

    If I was returning to work now after maternity leave in the hypervigilant and highly emotional state I was in back then, then I would have floundered. It’s taken me almost 3 years but I now have more clarity than ever before in how I want to help others to overcome similar challenges.

    My support for pregnant and new mammas will always continue as I am a midwife by nature as well as by name…but I also want to help the extraordinary people who serve our communities to not lose sight of the reason they came into the job in the first place and to rediscover that they can be the midwife they want and deserve to be. 

    Imagine…..

    … jumping out of bed in a morning with a spring in your step and the sparkle back in your eyes

    …having the confidence to stand up and pitch your amazing ideas, instigate and lead change

    …being an inspiration and a role model for your peers, students and the women you serve

    …replenising your motivation and resilience to overcome whatever your day brings EVRY DAY 

    … knowing that your effort and persistence is paying off and that self-assurance is guaranteed

    …closing your eyes at night and feeling secure, grounded and peaceful

    And finally…to know that if you do decide to leave your job or the profession altogether…it is a decision based on confidence rather than fear. 

    Think of the sense of relief and the lightness you would feel if you weren’t just showing up for those you cared for, but were showing up for yourself to be the very best that you can be.

    You didn’t come this far to only come this far. 

    Just take a moment to imagine what the midwifery workforce would look like if every member of every maternity team had this mindset. Think of the way we could transform our services and the lives of those we care about – personally and professionally.

    This is not a pipe dream. This can be a reality and it starts with you.

    Are you ready to take the first step?